Latrina, Lexine, Lolita, and Lulu

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

L

Laalaa: One of the four colorful Teletubbies - we're not sure which one. Name a child this, turn on daytime TV, and you'll know soon enough.

LaBerta: In French, the feminine for Bert. Or so her parents would like to think...

LaDoya: One of the original Jackson 6. After sprinkling itchy powder into her brother Michael's pants, she was quickly relegated to wardrobe consultant. She is currently employed by her sister, Janet.

Lady: Give a girl a touch of class! No need to marry a lord - this girl's a real powerhouse in her own right. Also, a popular name for female water dogs.

LaFawnduh: The answer an angry Frenchman might give when asked a silly question about the gender of a deer. Also, someone who might work as a political intern in the White House and engage in an extramarital affair.

Lakeesha: A lightly crusted egg dish that real Frenchmen don't eat.

LaPhyllis: A French female comedian known for her rapid-fire stand-up routines and outlandish hair.

Larissa: Russian diminutive of Lara. Suggests a beautiful, tiny woman with big eyes who could drive a troika in a blizzard while being chased by wolves.

Latrina: Why not just name a daughter Toilet and be done? Concerned in-laws should call child protective services now.

Launa: Spanish or Italian derivative for "The One." Also, the name of a pop hit by a second-generation Latin heartthrob.

Lawn: A light cotton fabric, often dyed in pale colors. Also, that vast expanse of green (or brown) outside your window.

Lexine: Material used to make the little envelopes that contain stamps in post office vending machines.

Lillian: Your grandmother's mahjong partner.

Loki: Norse god of mischief or trickery. Phlegm.

Lolita: Variant of Lola. Also, the subject of Vladimir Nabokov's novel of obsession. Are you ready to name your sweet baby daughter after a nymphet who first evoked the phrase "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins" there?

Lonica: Girl of a thousand faces. Also, an off-brand supplier of office equipment.

Lovee: Though trapped on a desert island with six others, she never lost her sense of privileged superiority through the hardship!

Lucinda / Lucy / Lucia: Will steal the football away from tenderhearted, round-headed boys. May inspire the creation of a He-Man Woman Hater's club.

Lucretia (loo-KREE-sha) - The excretion of fluids caused by watching live-action remakes of classic Dr. Seuss stories.

Lulu: Variant of Louisa. Also, variation of "doozy" in old '30s movies that included the madcap heiress and the hard-boiled newspaperman as their stock characters.

Luny: An insane bird known for its less-than-graceful flight.

Jilt, Jinx, Kepi, and Krichelle

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

J

Jade: A precious green stone used to cover windows.

Jamboree: A large Scout gathering. This features tent-pitching, campfire songs, and s'mores-making. May involve singing bears.

Janet: Silicone-enhanced singer / dancer / songwriter prone to wardrobe malfunctions.

Jasmine: A sweet-smelling tropical flower and Disney princess.

Jemima: Apron-wearing, kerchief-headed doyenne of breakfast foods. Often confused with her nemesis, the living syrup bottle.

Jenna: A nickname for Virginia; also, a hard-drinking presidential daughter.

Jessica: Likely to think nobody likes her, since everyone she meets will immediately sadden as they recall the baby who fell into a well.

Jilt: Abandon a significant other without warning.

Jinx: Something or someone that causes bad luck. Will always be the other woman.

Joi: Wife of famous but loudmouthed morning talk show host.

Jools: Big, fancy precious stones. "Get my Jools, honey; we're going out!"

Joyeux Noël: Why, thank you! And a Happy Chanukah to you.

Jubilee: Festive commemoration of an anniversary involving yarmulkes.


K

Kaprice: A professional ice dancer who is limited to the chorus. Also, a fine but oily salad made of tomato and mozzarella.

Kassia: Constellation or a breakfast cereal. Endomorph.

Kenya: An African coastal country with a landscape that ranges from savannah to veld. Also, a runway model.

Kepi (KAY-pee) - A French military cap that can be worn at a jaunty angle. Also, an acronym for "kitchen patrol," a punishment that often involves peeling potatoes.

Kinda: Something that isn't quite one thing, but also not quite another. "Hey, Mom, I'm Kinda pregnant."

Kiora: A small crown worn by pageant contestants on an island reality show.

Krichelle: Will get louder and louder, sometimes apparently without warning.

Kris Miss: A religious holiday that occurs four days after the winter solstice. The other white Chanukah.

Kylie: Dr. Welby's young associate.

Helga, Hestia, Imogene, and Isadora

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

H

Hana: Beautiful town on the eastern side of Maui that was destroyed by a tsunami. The best part about Hana is the road there.

Hailey: A weather condition characterized by hard, frozen ice balls falling from the sky.

Hallah Lujah: A name popular in the South. Exception to the rule: if she'll have a sibling named Amen.

Halo: Angelic, often left behind, video game. Also, a Southern greeting.

Hannah: Truly a name for a homely girl, somehow made popular in the '90s.

Harlem: Manhattan neighborhood currently subject to extreme gentrification.

Harlequin: Will have an unexplainable urge to wear skintight, diamond-patterned bodysuits and pointy shoes.

Hebe: High-school nickname for many Jewish-American students living outside New York or Los Angeles.

Hedwig: Currently immortalized as a not-quite-transgendered individual.

Helga: Will wear a helmet with horns, and serve pitchers of mead to warriors.

Heloise: Will annoy other children by offering unsolicited but helpful household hints such as how to deep-clean a kitchen sink with an old pair of pantyhose and white vinegar. Also used as a greeting for asthmatics.

Henrietta: A small cat with a speech impediment and apparent domestic partner of X the Owl. [Mr. Rogers]

Hereditary: What you name a daughter when your best friend picks your first choice, Genetic.

Hestia: A virtual unknown in Greek mythology. If you're going to pick a classical name, why not pick a better-known goddess?

Hilda: Will keep a small flock of goats and wear lederhosen. Also, has an inoperable facial mole.

Hilary: Some will perceive her as assertive, others simply as a bitch.

Honey: A sweet, sticky liquid alternative to sugar. Also, a pole dancer.

Hosana: Subject of a popular pioneer song that speaks of western expansion.

Hydra: In Greek mythology, a multi-headed water snake with a dog's body and the uncanny ability to regrow two heads in the place of one. Have "the talk" with this one early on.


I

Icy: Frozen slushy drink available at discount stores. Stain is impossible to remove when it falls on car seats.

Ida: A common contraction. "If Ida known you were coming, Ida baked a cake."

Iman: Likely to be a famous model who married a rock star.

Imari: A type of Japanese porcelain.

Imogene: A popular entertainer who endorses denture adhesive.

Isabella: A beautiful Italian actress whose film credits range from Blue Velvet to Roger Dodger.

Isadora: Prone to wearing long scarves, riding in open convertibles, and interpreting complex emotions through the dance.

Isis: Egyptian goddess and '70s female empowerment superheroine.

Ivaloo: UK usage to explain that your house has indoor plumbing.

Fawntelle, Fulvia, Geisha, and Grizelda

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.


F

Falana: The low-fat alternative to a Spanish custard dessert.

Fannie: An old-fashioned name that speaks of maiden aunts, crocheted doilies, and (sadly enough) a big fat ass.

Fanny: Just name her Butt and be done with it.

Fantasie: This should only be used as a stage name for exotic dancers. Period. In many states, the DMV will not print this on a driver's license.

Farrah: The sex symbol of the '70s whose attempts at self-preservation have virtually reached mummification levels. Females with this name have absolutely no hope of growing old gracefully.

Fatima: Though popular in the Muslim world, no female child growing up in body-conscious America should have the word "fat" in her name.

Faundaree (FOUND-uh-ree) - A place where metal items are fabricated through high temperatures and constant pounding.

Fawn: A deer, a female deer. Ray, a... oh wait. That's all wrong.

Fawn-Dew: A delicious cheesy dish. Also, the droppings of a baby deer. Make sure to read the menu carefully.

Fawntelle: The soft spot at the top of a newborn baby's head. Should harden over by one or two years of age.

Fayme: An immortal child prone to singing and dancing on the steps of public buildings, cars, and lightposts in major urban areas.

Fedora: A man's hat. Once the hallmark of a snappy dresser, now it's just plain poseur. (I once met a little girl named Fedora in the toddler Sunday School...)

Fern: An ancient plant with long stems and multiple leaves with seed pods. In harsher climates, usually found in sunrooms. The plant to which people refer when they tell someone she has the intelligence of a common houseplant.

Ferol: A gasoline additive that makes engines run cleaner. Also an animal that, while technically domesticated, exhibits antisocial tendencies and often has barely detectable ringworm.

Flavia: A tasty clam.

Fulvia: Once in the running with anatomy classes as the funniest name for a female body part. Of late, it has been replaced by Mulva.


G

Gala: Flamboyant wife of Salvador Dali. Also, a fabulous party. An especially flavorful and crispy apple used for baking or just plain snacking.

Galaxy: A far-out place in the heavens. A child named Galaxy will abbreviate her name to "G." when applying for an MBA program.

Garnetta: Only semiprecious.

Garridan: A shrewish, mean old woman. We know that's actually a harridan. But it's close enough.

Gazelle: A lithe, fast animal of the African savannah often seen being torn to shreds by its quadruped predators. Inevitably, this name will be shorted to Gaz.

Geddy: Lead singer of Rush.

Geisha: A pale, quiet, subservient child adept at shiatsu massage.

Gentle: Peaceful, calm, and placid. Let's see if you think she's gentle when she starts teething.

Geo: From the Greek, meaning "earth." Will be voted most likely to be a headliner for Cirque du Soleil. Small American-made compact car that resembles a roller skate.

Gertrude: Hamlet's mother. A good name for a maiden aunt.

Gladys: AKA Happy Bum.

Glamour: An excellent drag name. Not so appropriate for a kindergartener who pushes little boys and forces them to eat dirt.

Glee: The misty spray that emerges from underneath your tongue at inopportune, often exciting, moments.

GlenDora: Long-lost twin sister of Endora, the mother-in-law from Bewitched.

G'ni (nee) - A follower of the knights who say...

Godiva: Chocolate-loving equestrian with a dislike for clothing and taxes.

Golda: Sister of Silvera and Coppera.

Golden: A child of the retriever species. Also a flaxen-haired beauty who thinks she's soooo cool.

Grace: The most uncoordinated girl in ballet class.

Grizelda: Almost certainly the name of the evil stepmother in any fairy tale, with a hair-control problem and a taste for honey.

Guinevere: A beautiful queen with commitment issues.

Gypsy: Stage name of the most famous stripper of the twentieth century. A thief and a horse trader.

Delightra, Dixie, Effie, and Evangeline

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

D

Dachele (duh-SHELL) - Source of processed fossil fuel, high-nitrate lunch meats, and gallon-sized carbonated beverages. "Where did you get dat 180-ounce soda and Slim Jim snack?" "Down at Dachele."

Daffodil: An early bloomer who leaves the farm to try to make it in the big city.

Daisy: A desirable country cow or front-parlor maid. All the boys will ask for a dollop of Daisy. Also, child will have a penchant for old Levis, cut at the crotch, several sizes too small.

DaNae: Vietnamese city known for its strategic location during the Tet Offensive.

Danetta: The lady who sets your grandmother's hair in little metal curlers.

Danielle: A bipolar rodeo queen Do not call her Danny, or you'll have good reason to fear her wrath.

D'Ann: Friend of Pat, Chris, or Leslie. D'Ann will have gender identity confusion throughout her life.

Daquari: A frozen, rum-based alcoholic beverage best served poolside.

Darnese: A method of expressing exasperation. "Darnese kids! They keep trampling my flower bed."

D'Asia: Didn't you already name your child this? It just sounds so familiar.

Dee-Lee: Member of the male genitalia. Also, what's up or what's happening. "Don't touch his Dee-Lee." "What's the Dee-Lee, yo?"

Déja: I swear you already named a child this. Didn't you?

Delightra: A delicious substitute for sugar. May cause anal leakage.

Demeatrice: A second-rate S&M practitioner. Group discounts available.

Deputy: Will have hangdog eyes and big ears.

Destiny: Kismet, fate. Also, a stripper.

Divine: Loveable but scary transvestite. Looked best in a housecoat.

Dixie: Perfect for a shemale, whether an exhibitionist or voyeur.

D'Nay (duh-NYE) - To assert adamantly that something did not happen. Also, a river in Egypt.

Dodge: Children's playground game that leaves mental and physical scars.

Dominiqua: A small banana republic in Central America. The chief exports are coconuts, sisal, and tarantulas.

Drucilla: A great drag name, particularly if one is heading across the desert in a broken-down tour bus.


E

Eden: The garden from which life sprang with the creation of Adam and Eve. Home also of the wily serpent that offered Eve a taste of the forbidden fruit and led to the first eviction. Nice work, Eve.

Edna: The great-ant that comes to visit and takes over your room. The trade-off for the lingering old-lady smell is a crisp two-dollar bill.

Effie: Network censor who bleeps out all profanity for tape delay.

Elizabeth / Lizzy: An ax-wielding murderess and preteen star.

Elvira: Large-breasted, Gothic late-late-night talk show host.

Emeline: A thick, oil-based emollient used to remove mascara in the late '50s before it was discovered to have addictive properties and cause liver deterioration.

Erasmus: A holiday for the eradication of stray pencil marks.

Ernestine: Kick-ass, gum-chewing truck stop waitress who can serve the entire dinner shift without cracking a smile or running her support hose.

Europa: A slow, bovine girl with pretty eyes. Also, a specialized Starbucks blend.

Evangeline: Bus service notable for comfy seats and in-ride sermons.

Chastity, Chinchilla Zest, Cleopatra, and Crisco

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

C

Cachay: Popular '70s eau de toilette packaged in a convenient purse pot.

Capucino: An exceptionally smart breed of monkey most often seen chained to the side of concertina begging for spare change.

Caroline: A door-to-door singer often seen during the holiday season.

Cashmere: A prize ho; very soft, but difficult to keep clean.

Cassidy: A single-parent family of '70s pop idols with great hair, artificially enhanced voices, and a cool bus. Also half of a great Western.

Chalmers: Superintendent of the Springfield School District. Will tend to be verbally abusive to her underlings.

Chanel: Along with Courvosier, Gucci, and Lexus... a popular name among (and only among!) the ghetto fabulous.

Chardonnay: Her bouquet hints of green pastures, with top notes of butter, chrysanthemums, and honey, with a palate of oak on the finish. Generally best served cold.

Charissa: A spicy Spanish sausage with meat of unknown origin.

Chastity: Virtuous character. Celibacy. A poor girl with this name will be destined to become the town tramp.

Cherel: A type of rare mushroom used in fine patés.

Cherish: It's like a sofa, but it's not. It's like a loveseat, but it's not. It's more valued, more chair-ish!

Cherry: Peewee's favorite place to sit. The fruit of a deflowering.

Cheyenne: A city in Wyoming, a nomadic Native American tribe, and a luxury sport utility vehicle.

Chinchilla Zest: The outermost layer of the chinchilla, extracted with a special culinary tool, the chinchilla zester. Beware the layer just below the dermis, which can be pithy. Also, a fine but tart salad dressing.

Chloe: A name commonly used by lesbian couples for a firstborn.

Christina: The one who can sing.

Cimemthymia: A vicious STD cured in the early '70s.

Cinnamon: The dried bark of a tropical Asian tree. A popular stage name for exotic dancers. See also Velvet and Butterfly.

Cisco: Will have a penchant for routers and singing about Brazilian-cut underpants.

Cleeo: Jamaican "psychic" whose infomercials bilked millions of desperate Americans out of large amounts of cash in a mass redistribution of wealth. Child may be an entrepreneur.

Cleopatra: Titular queen of Egypt and lover of Roman generals. Coined the phrase "what a pain in the asp!"

Cleora: A topical ointment used to eradicate acne.

Coco: Most common name for female chimpanzees, nuts, and fashion designers. Your daughter will have hairy prehensile toes, a rich flavor, and a flair for accessories.

Cola: A brown, sugar-filled liquid of such high acidity that it dissolves pennies. Also, a cocaine dealer.

Constance: Faithful and dependable; a child with this name will never need to rely on laxatives or fiber supplements.

Corvette: A type of warship, a type of American sports car, and a type of male genitalia extension.

Crescent: A cheap, canned knockoff of a famous French pastry.

Crisco: Simply put, she'll be fat in the can.

Crumpet: A spongy, English muffin-type pastry best served with tea and jam. A thrilling way to start your day!

Czarina: Wife of a czar or an imperial ruler in her own right. Will spend exorbitant sums of money on eggs.

Belladonna, Blanche, Bonquisha, and Brunhilda

our lady peace, clumsy, jewish, b, girls, hanging, gardens, woman, cat, baby, fiddle faddle, calls, ringing, dinner, begging, derivatives, purchasing orphaned children, dance, moves, bunny, rodents, glass, lost, slippery slope, fortune, bubbles, tennis, brooke, off, offspring, sprays, little, hitting the windshield, hillbillies, brooks, blowout, circles, commitment, serving, servants, 3 am, wearing, fame, alligator, dips, dreams, squash, bimbo, monica, ravenblack, short, home, cities, small, birth, sex, standards, living, concern, europe, wax, clients, having fun, limits, options, explorers, day, cheap, coloring, variety, grandparents, butterfly, insects, body, wings, velvet, adult, entertainment, cinnamon, effective ends, skills, getting up to no good, dance, rooms, the past, young, dishes, sensuous, hats, corner, vices, instruction, luxuries, naming, night, rules, vanity plates, spelling, daughters, crocodile hunter, stupid names, exceptions, last names, briana, weddings, men, brides, brianna, sprays, breath, rock, royalty, bianca, fresh, betting, c, kim, barbie, ken, ben, sisters, 1999, christians, partners, life, jade, bored, smoking, cigarettes, french, easy, theatres, famous, substitutions, unacceptable stuff, residents, purposes, skin, animals, breezes, relaxation, brandy, alcohol, class, all, screws, cheese, snobbery, softness, torture, junior high, blanchard and maynell, removal, destiny, kitchen, commercial appliances, fruit, tropics, status, janice, the mixing of the milks, diarrhea, yellow, drinks, new, england, blender, whip, brittany, blessings, football, nights, crying, vomiting, blonde, hair, baseball, teams, birds, blood, deer, mothers, public, beach, dogs, female, bitch, crab, hate, ears, changes, donna, beautiful, belle and sebastian, italian, poison, big, taunts, marcy playground, choice, enjoyment, hot, mass murderers, standing, beer, abilities, penchant, beef, hunter, wilderness, heartless, places, guns, bam, delicious, alterego, bad luck, umbrellas, opening, inside, houses, broadway, dancers, light, kegs, lust, david, bathing, kings, cinderella, twins, sisters, cyborg name, what, no, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, jokes, barb, australia, water, breakfast, food, plans, sleep, music, bible, sports,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

B

Baby: A young Jewish girl post-bat mitzvah, well on her way to becoming a woman in the Catskills. She will be loved by many, but only give her heart to seemingly no-goodnik dance instructors with misunderstood pasts. Child may also tend to sleep in the middle of a room, because no one puts Baby in a corner.

Babylon: The capital of ancient Babylonia, known for its great luxury and sensuality as well as vice and corruption. A female child with this name should be prepared for many jokes about her "Hanging Gardens."

Baltimore: Home of such lackluster, bird-monikered sports teams such as the Orioles and Ravens.

Bambi: The poor deer whose mother was gunned down in cold blood by the heartless hunter and left as an orphan to fend for himself in the wilderness. Also, effective alter ego of many an off-off-Broadway "dancer."

Barbell: An endomorph with an impressive ability to quickly down a case of Natty Light. Also enjoys doing keg stands.

Bathsheba: Will have a penchant for bathing in public places and arousing the lustful glances of much older men.

Beach: A less-than-pleasant woman; also, a female dog. The jokes about crabs may, alone, be enough to make your child hate you forever.

Beefea: It's what's for dinner. With fiddle music ringing in her ears and constant calls of "Where's the Beefea?" ... your child will surely beg you to change her name by the time she reaches the second grade.

Belladonna: Italian for "beautiful woman" ... also, the highly poisonous derivative of the nightshade family.

Bertha: Usually used to refer to something enormously large and ponderous. Big Bertha will undoubtedly become the other children's playground taunt of choice.

Bet'C: The preferred vanity plate spelling for an otherwise traditional name.

Bianca: Feminine form of spray-on breath freshener popular in the early '80s.

Bijou: A famous theatre. A scion of rock royalty.

Bimberly: Shortened name for "Kimberly, the famous bimbo." Slated to be launched as Barbie's sister in 1999. Lo, a scandal involving Ben and his life partner Ken quashed the dream.

Bindy: Both dog and daughter of the famed alligator hunter.

Birch: A socially-accepted substitute for "bitch" used by born-again Christians.

Blanche: To dip in hot water for the purpose of removing the skin. A child with this name will most likely graduate from torturing animals to the status of mass murderer before she is done with junior high school.

Blasé: A jaded, bored girl destined to smoke French cigarettes and wear berets.

Blenda: A kitchen appliance used by the residents of New England to whip up fruity, tropical drinks. "Ay, Janice, mix up a couple more a dem piña coladas in dah Blenda!"

Blessing: She won't seem like much of a blessing at 3 AM when you're dealing with hysterical crying, projectile vomiting, and yellow blowout diarrhea. And the child might not sleep through the night, either.

Blonda: Having lighter hair than the other girls. "Is she the dishwater blonde?" "No, she's the Blonda of the two."

Bonquisha: A delicious breakfast food and the sister of Laquisha.

Breezy: Beautiful and relaxed, she's also going to be easy.

Brella: Short for "umbrella," it will be bad luck to open her inside the house.

Brendy: Screwtop brandy - all of the alcohol, none of the class!

Briana (BREE-ah-nuh) - A soft French cheese adored by snobs.

Bridie: Wedding plans are locked and loaded. Now she just needs to find a man.

Brinderella: The little-known twin sister of Cinderella who wasn't fortunate enough to have lost her glass slipper, and was forced to continue a life of servitude.

Brittany: Commitment-phobic hillbilly with good dance moves. A small, timid dog of the spaniel variety.

Brooke: A small, bubbling girl who used to frequent tennis circles.

Brunette: In this day of cheap and effective hair coloring, why would you limit your child's ability to explore other options? After all, blondes do have more fun.

Brunhilda: A large European esthetician who needs a wax more than any of her clients.

Bunny: A small rodent known for its propensity to copulate frequently and give birth to a slew of offspring with little concern for their standard of living. Do you really want to be a grandparent while your child is still a preteen?

Butterfly: An insect with a slender body and four broad (usually colorful) wings. Most commonly used as a nom de guerre for adult entertainers. See also Velvet and Cinnamon.