Latrina, Lexine, Lolita, and Lulu

our lady peace, somewhere out there, naming, l, lillian, baby, sweet, daughters, tiny, fire in the loins, monica, phyllis, calling, lucretia, lucy, fonda, mowing the lawn, green, brown, windows, fire, french, female, comedians, dill, lady, lord, clarissa, itch, powder, pants, brothers, hair, stock, outlandish, hits, titles, diminished, russian, wolves, woman, eyes, big, pop, chase, blizzards, derivatives, generations, loki, latin, spanish, italian, one, light, cotton candy, dye, day, class, power, ernie, toilet, daughters, girls, dogs, angry, answers, silly, questions, white house, clara, singing "la la" about loneliness, services, protection, original, mischievous, gender, michael jackson, janet jackson, janet, charlie brown, away, stealing, creation, hate, clubs, fluid, real, classics, action, suggestions, norse, newspapers, boiled sheep, much hardship and trouble, faces, office, equipment, gods, quiche, trickery, little, envelopes, material, post office, vending machines, fire, vlad the impaler, novels, obsession, traps, louisa, doozy, flights, phrases, brands, wardrobe malfunctions, supplies, off, tenderness, partners, deer, affairs, desert eagle, love, islands, charlie brown, political, internships, eggs, dishes, mad, birds, night, eating, rules, stupid names, need, touch, routine, crust, cyborg name, what, no, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, water, food, tv shows, michael, parents, songs, football, comics, characters, grace, eunice,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

L

Laalaa: One of the four colorful Teletubbies - we're not sure which one. Name a child this, turn on daytime TV, and you'll know soon enough.

LaBerta: In French, the feminine for Bert. Or so her parents would like to think...

LaDoya: One of the original Jackson 6. After sprinkling itchy powder into her brother Michael's pants, she was quickly relegated to wardrobe consultant. She is currently employed by her sister, Janet.

Lady: Give a girl a touch of class! No need to marry a lord - this girl's a real powerhouse in her own right. Also, a popular name for female water dogs.

LaFawnduh: The answer an angry Frenchman might give when asked a silly question about the gender of a deer. Also, someone who might work as a political intern in the White House and engage in an extramarital affair.

Lakeesha: A lightly crusted egg dish that real Frenchmen don't eat.

LaPhyllis: A French female comedian known for her rapid-fire stand-up routines and outlandish hair.

Larissa: Russian diminutive of Lara. Suggests a beautiful, tiny woman with big eyes who could drive a troika in a blizzard while being chased by wolves.

Latrina: Why not just name a daughter Toilet and be done? Concerned in-laws should call child protective services now.

Launa: Spanish or Italian derivative for "The One." Also, the name of a pop hit by a second-generation Latin heartthrob.

Lawn: A light cotton fabric, often dyed in pale colors. Also, that vast expanse of green (or brown) outside your window.

Lexine: Material used to make the little envelopes that contain stamps in post office vending machines.

Lillian: Your grandmother's mahjong partner.

Loki: Norse god of mischief or trickery. Phlegm.

Lolita: Variant of Lola. Also, the subject of Vladimir Nabokov's novel of obsession. Are you ready to name your sweet baby daughter after a nymphet who first evoked the phrase "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins" there?

Lonica: Girl of a thousand faces. Also, an off-brand supplier of office equipment.

Lovee: Though trapped on a desert island with six others, she never lost her sense of privileged superiority through the hardship!

Lucinda / Lucy / Lucia: Will steal the football away from tenderhearted, round-headed boys. May inspire the creation of a He-Man Woman Hater's club.

Lucretia (loo-KREE-sha) - The excretion of fluids caused by watching live-action remakes of classic Dr. Seuss stories.

Lulu: Variant of Louisa. Also, variation of "doozy" in old '30s movies that included the madcap heiress and the hard-boiled newspaperman as their stock characters.

Luny: An insane bird known for its less-than-graceful flight.

Jilt, Jinx, Kepi, and Krichelle

our lady peace, shaking, j, k, girls, green, jade, stones, windows, naming, night, tiarafetish, bears, girl scout, janet jackson, janet, singers, dancers, jemima, jenna, george bush, drinking, daughters, social, snow patrol, songwriters, princess, disney, flowers, sweet, smell, salad, tomato, cheese, french, caps, kitchen, potato, people making out in stairwells, jinxing, pregnancy, kind, small, islands, reality tv, loud, ice, oil, fine, big, honey, going out, jewels, crown and anchor, loud, wife, famous, celebrations, anniversaries, cherries jubilee, festive days, wardrobe malfunctions, abandonment, tropics, boobs, kris novoselic, stupid names, contestants, hard, virginia, models of the runway, winter, young, getting "enhancements", associations, doctors, military general, jambalaya fettuccini, silicon, gatherings, tents, kylie cowling, french, punishment, morning, nicknames, syrup, bottles, nemesis, warning, bad luck, joy, talk show, holidays, hosting, hosts, countries, africa, models, kenya, british, cereal, white, miss, presidents, bush, upper middle class, class, sad, limits, third chorus, thank you, cyborg name, what, no, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, songs, food, jasmine, christmas, jessica, breakfast, links, blogging, annoyances, history, crap, maxed-out tags limit,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

J

Jade: A precious green stone used to cover windows.

Jamboree: A large Scout gathering. This features tent-pitching, campfire songs, and s'mores-making. May involve singing bears.

Janet: Silicone-enhanced singer / dancer / songwriter prone to wardrobe malfunctions.

Jasmine: A sweet-smelling tropical flower and Disney princess.

Jemima: Apron-wearing, kerchief-headed doyenne of breakfast foods. Often confused with her nemesis, the living syrup bottle.

Jenna: A nickname for Virginia; also, a hard-drinking presidential daughter.

Jessica: Likely to think nobody likes her, since everyone she meets will immediately sadden as they recall the baby who fell into a well.

Jilt: Abandon a significant other without warning.

Jinx: Something or someone that causes bad luck. Will always be the other woman.

Joi: Wife of famous but loudmouthed morning talk show host.

Jools: Big, fancy precious stones. "Get my Jools, honey; we're going out!"

Joyeux Noël: Why, thank you! And a Happy Chanukah to you.

Jubilee: Festive commemoration of an anniversary involving yarmulkes.


K

Kaprice: A professional ice dancer who is limited to the chorus. Also, a fine but oily salad made of tomato and mozzarella.

Kassia: Constellation or a breakfast cereal. Endomorph.

Kenya: An African coastal country with a landscape that ranges from savannah to veld. Also, a runway model.

Kepi (KAY-pee) - A French military cap that can be worn at a jaunty angle. Also, an acronym for "kitchen patrol," a punishment that often involves peeling potatoes.

Kinda: Something that isn't quite one thing, but also not quite another. "Hey, Mom, I'm Kinda pregnant."

Kiora: A small crown worn by pageant contestants on an island reality show.

Krichelle: Will get louder and louder, sometimes apparently without warning.

Kris Miss: A religious holiday that occurs four days after the winter solstice. The other white Chanukah.

Kylie: Dr. Welby's young associate.

Belladonna, Blanche, Bonquisha, and Brunhilda

our lady peace, clumsy, jewish, b, girls, hanging, gardens, woman, cat, baby, fiddle faddle, calls, ringing, dinner, begging, derivatives, purchasing orphaned children, dance, moves, bunny, rodents, glass, lost, slippery slope, fortune, bubbles, tennis, brooke, off, offspring, sprays, little, hitting the windshield, hillbillies, brooks, blowout, circles, commitment, serving, servants, 3 am, wearing, fame, alligator, dips, dreams, squash, bimbo, monica, ravenblack, short, home, cities, small, birth, sex, standards, living, concern, europe, wax, clients, having fun, limits, options, explorers, day, cheap, coloring, variety, grandparents, butterfly, insects, body, wings, velvet, adult, entertainment, cinnamon, effective ends, skills, getting up to no good, dance, rooms, the past, young, dishes, sensuous, hats, corner, vices, instruction, luxuries, naming, night, rules, vanity plates, spelling, daughters, crocodile hunter, stupid names, exceptions, last names, briana, weddings, men, brides, brianna, sprays, breath, rock, royalty, bianca, fresh, betting, c, kim, barbie, ken, ben, sisters, 1999, christians, partners, life, jade, bored, smoking, cigarettes, french, easy, theatres, famous, substitutions, unacceptable stuff, residents, purposes, skin, animals, breezes, relaxation, brandy, alcohol, class, all, screws, cheese, snobbery, softness, torture, junior high, blanchard and maynell, removal, destiny, kitchen, commercial appliances, fruit, tropics, status, janice, the mixing of the milks, diarrhea, yellow, drinks, new, england, blender, whip, brittany, blessings, football, nights, crying, vomiting, blonde, hair, baseball, teams, birds, blood, deer, mothers, public, beach, dogs, female, bitch, crab, hate, ears, changes, donna, beautiful, belle and sebastian, italian, poison, big, taunts, marcy playground, choice, enjoyment, hot, mass murderers, standing, beer, abilities, penchant, beef, hunter, wilderness, heartless, places, guns, bam, delicious, alterego, bad luck, umbrellas, opening, inside, houses, broadway, dancers, light, kegs, lust, david, bathing, kings, cinderella, twins, sisters, cyborg name, what, no, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, jokes, barb, australia, water, breakfast, food, plans, sleep, music, bible, sports,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

B

Baby: A young Jewish girl post-bat mitzvah, well on her way to becoming a woman in the Catskills. She will be loved by many, but only give her heart to seemingly no-goodnik dance instructors with misunderstood pasts. Child may also tend to sleep in the middle of a room, because no one puts Baby in a corner.

Babylon: The capital of ancient Babylonia, known for its great luxury and sensuality as well as vice and corruption. A female child with this name should be prepared for many jokes about her "Hanging Gardens."

Baltimore: Home of such lackluster, bird-monikered sports teams such as the Orioles and Ravens.

Bambi: The poor deer whose mother was gunned down in cold blood by the heartless hunter and left as an orphan to fend for himself in the wilderness. Also, effective alter ego of many an off-off-Broadway "dancer."

Barbell: An endomorph with an impressive ability to quickly down a case of Natty Light. Also enjoys doing keg stands.

Bathsheba: Will have a penchant for bathing in public places and arousing the lustful glances of much older men.

Beach: A less-than-pleasant woman; also, a female dog. The jokes about crabs may, alone, be enough to make your child hate you forever.

Beefea: It's what's for dinner. With fiddle music ringing in her ears and constant calls of "Where's the Beefea?" ... your child will surely beg you to change her name by the time she reaches the second grade.

Belladonna: Italian for "beautiful woman" ... also, the highly poisonous derivative of the nightshade family.

Bertha: Usually used to refer to something enormously large and ponderous. Big Bertha will undoubtedly become the other children's playground taunt of choice.

Bet'C: The preferred vanity plate spelling for an otherwise traditional name.

Bianca: Feminine form of spray-on breath freshener popular in the early '80s.

Bijou: A famous theatre. A scion of rock royalty.

Bimberly: Shortened name for "Kimberly, the famous bimbo." Slated to be launched as Barbie's sister in 1999. Lo, a scandal involving Ben and his life partner Ken quashed the dream.

Bindy: Both dog and daughter of the famed alligator hunter.

Birch: A socially-accepted substitute for "bitch" used by born-again Christians.

Blanche: To dip in hot water for the purpose of removing the skin. A child with this name will most likely graduate from torturing animals to the status of mass murderer before she is done with junior high school.

Blasé: A jaded, bored girl destined to smoke French cigarettes and wear berets.

Blenda: A kitchen appliance used by the residents of New England to whip up fruity, tropical drinks. "Ay, Janice, mix up a couple more a dem piña coladas in dah Blenda!"

Blessing: She won't seem like much of a blessing at 3 AM when you're dealing with hysterical crying, projectile vomiting, and yellow blowout diarrhea. And the child might not sleep through the night, either.

Blonda: Having lighter hair than the other girls. "Is she the dishwater blonde?" "No, she's the Blonda of the two."

Bonquisha: A delicious breakfast food and the sister of Laquisha.

Breezy: Beautiful and relaxed, she's also going to be easy.

Brella: Short for "umbrella," it will be bad luck to open her inside the house.

Brendy: Screwtop brandy - all of the alcohol, none of the class!

Briana (BREE-ah-nuh) - A soft French cheese adored by snobs.

Bridie: Wedding plans are locked and loaded. Now she just needs to find a man.

Brinderella: The little-known twin sister of Cinderella who wasn't fortunate enough to have lost her glass slipper, and was forced to continue a life of servitude.

Brittany: Commitment-phobic hillbilly with good dance moves. A small, timid dog of the spaniel variety.

Brooke: A small, bubbling girl who used to frequent tennis circles.

Brunette: In this day of cheap and effective hair coloring, why would you limit your child's ability to explore other options? After all, blondes do have more fun.

Brunhilda: A large European esthetician who needs a wax more than any of her clients.

Bunny: A small rodent known for its propensity to copulate frequently and give birth to a slew of offspring with little concern for their standard of living. Do you really want to be a grandparent while your child is still a preteen?

Butterfly: An insect with a slender body and four broad (usually colorful) wings. Most commonly used as a nom de guerre for adult entertainers. See also Velvet and Cinnamon.