Helga, Hestia, Imogene, and Isadora

our lady peace, let you down, h, i, girls, naming, amen, siblings, weather, hard, german, keeper, head, wigs, frozen, hail, hailey chan, characteristics, night, expansion, derrida, rules, stupid names, exceptions, iris, isis, hilary, bitch, ice, drinks, cake, use, british, anarchy in the uk, david bowie, superheroes, heroines, duncan sze, goddess, egypt, italian, plumbing, empowerment, actresses, films, credit, white porcelain tubs, sugar, a hollywood hula halo hologram, alternatives, beautiful, unsolicited, discounts, stores, popular, entertainment, cats, henrieta paukov, new york, los angeles, jewish, nicknames, high school, students, american, explanations, long, cars, seats, vikings, hints, south, conditions, balls, neighborhoods, harlequin, harem, body, skin, shoes, hana, roads, hawaii, hallelujah chorus, falling, sky, greetings, stains, sweet, sticky things, honey, liquid, blue, helmet, warriors, velvet, rogers video, roger, dodgeball, female, emotions, scarves, riding, open, dancing, help, sinks, kitchen, vinegar, best, daughters, choice, picking, greek, mythology, classics, wearing, goats, small, angry, inches, serving, horns, pantyhose, partners, x, domestic partnerships, diamonds, patterns, towns, tsunami special offering, clean, deep, genetic plans, hereditary conditions, moles, offering, bill clinton, power, pitcher, contraction scares, baking, models, growing, talks, types, western, subjects, pioneers, washrooms, bathrooms, hell, householders, alcoholic drinks, ability, coming, angelica, dogs, heads, snakes, white, speech, dora, rock stars, cyborg name, what, no, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, sex, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, hannah, friends, games, movies, songs, water, history, annoyances, japan, isabel,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

H

Hana: Beautiful town on the eastern side of Maui that was destroyed by a tsunami. The best part about Hana is the road there.

Hailey: A weather condition characterized by hard, frozen ice balls falling from the sky.

Hallah Lujah: A name popular in the South. Exception to the rule: if she'll have a sibling named Amen.

Halo: Angelic, often left behind, video game. Also, a Southern greeting.

Hannah: Truly a name for a homely girl, somehow made popular in the '90s.

Harlem: Manhattan neighborhood currently subject to extreme gentrification.

Harlequin: Will have an unexplainable urge to wear skintight, diamond-patterned bodysuits and pointy shoes.

Hebe: High-school nickname for many Jewish-American students living outside New York or Los Angeles.

Hedwig: Currently immortalized as a not-quite-transgendered individual.

Helga: Will wear a helmet with horns, and serve pitchers of mead to warriors.

Heloise: Will annoy other children by offering unsolicited but helpful household hints such as how to deep-clean a kitchen sink with an old pair of pantyhose and white vinegar. Also used as a greeting for asthmatics.

Henrietta: A small cat with a speech impediment and apparent domestic partner of X the Owl. [Mr. Rogers]

Hereditary: What you name a daughter when your best friend picks your first choice, Genetic.

Hestia: A virtual unknown in Greek mythology. If you're going to pick a classical name, why not pick a better-known goddess?

Hilda: Will keep a small flock of goats and wear lederhosen. Also, has an inoperable facial mole.

Hilary: Some will perceive her as assertive, others simply as a bitch.

Honey: A sweet, sticky liquid alternative to sugar. Also, a pole dancer.

Hosana: Subject of a popular pioneer song that speaks of western expansion.

Hydra: In Greek mythology, a multi-headed water snake with a dog's body and the uncanny ability to regrow two heads in the place of one. Have "the talk" with this one early on.


I

Icy: Frozen slushy drink available at discount stores. Stain is impossible to remove when it falls on car seats.

Ida: A common contraction. "If Ida known you were coming, Ida baked a cake."

Iman: Likely to be a famous model who married a rock star.

Imari: A type of Japanese porcelain.

Imogene: A popular entertainer who endorses denture adhesive.

Isabella: A beautiful Italian actress whose film credits range from Blue Velvet to Roger Dodger.

Isadora: Prone to wearing long scarves, riding in open convertibles, and interpreting complex emotions through the dance.

Isis: Egyptian goddess and '70s female empowerment superheroine.

Ivaloo: UK usage to explain that your house has indoor plumbing.

Delightra, Dixie, Effie, and Evangeline

our lady peace, innocent, asking, naming, daisy, leaving, early, city, farms, big, running, chewing, network, offers, priscilla, down, america, yo, dee dee king, dee dee ramone, pools, fear, bipolar disorder, sweetheart of the rodeo, little, cows, desire, country, cities, meats, fossil fuel, lunch, processing, soda, blooming daffodils, drinks, servants, french maids, jeans, penchant, sizes, small, boys, pants ripping in the crotch, vietnamese, night, snacks, shell shock, location, dollar bill, kicking ass, confusion, divine comedy, divinity, dix, shemales, egypt, rivers, denial, nile, marcy playground, metal, strategy, grandmothers, d, e, leslie, ann, lizzie, methods, goth, trucks, crispy, bleep, censorship, smile, gum, crack, serpents, snakes, asia, lee, deals, ernest hemingway, blending, special, use, rides, trades, discoveries, removal, marks, penis, anus, sugar, leaks, delicious, mental, scars, physical, old, no tv evangelistic church shows, evangelizing, sermons, $105 flu shot dealies, gender, identity, knowing what's up, what's up, comfort, seats, services, property, shifting, ladies, paying, relatives, rooms, aunts, profanity, tape, delay, visiting, oil, axes, stars, murderers, makeup, liver, addicting, talk show, hosting, late-night entertainment, breasts, pencil, holidays, getting erased, dinner, support, slow, europe, cows, pretty, starbucks, coffee, dodgeball, substitution, delight, eyes, ears, dogs, big, groups, destiny, discounts, bed, expression, darn, waitresses, availability, frozen, strippers, fate, rum, eviction, taste, fruit, work, garden of eden, adam and eve, girls, hair, queens, wrath, salty, gas, stupid names, flowers, kids, perfect, banana, coconut, tarantulas, drag queens, buses, atacama desert, broken, life, creation, bible, home, strawberry daiquiri, cyborg name, what, no, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, danielle, jim, danny, elizabeth, pat, chris, friends, dan, alcoholic drinks, dominic, games,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

D

Dachele (duh-SHELL) - Source of processed fossil fuel, high-nitrate lunch meats, and gallon-sized carbonated beverages. "Where did you get dat 180-ounce soda and Slim Jim snack?" "Down at Dachele."

Daffodil: An early bloomer who leaves the farm to try to make it in the big city.

Daisy: A desirable country cow or front-parlor maid. All the boys will ask for a dollop of Daisy. Also, child will have a penchant for old Levis, cut at the crotch, several sizes too small.

DaNae: Vietnamese city known for its strategic location during the Tet Offensive.

Danetta: The lady who sets your grandmother's hair in little metal curlers.

Danielle: A bipolar rodeo queen Do not call her Danny, or you'll have good reason to fear her wrath.

D'Ann: Friend of Pat, Chris, or Leslie. D'Ann will have gender identity confusion throughout her life.

Daquari: A frozen, rum-based alcoholic beverage best served poolside.

Darnese: A method of expressing exasperation. "Darnese kids! They keep trampling my flower bed."

D'Asia: Didn't you already name your child this? It just sounds so familiar.

Dee-Lee: Member of the male genitalia. Also, what's up or what's happening. "Don't touch his Dee-Lee." "What's the Dee-Lee, yo?"

Déja: I swear you already named a child this. Didn't you?

Delightra: A delicious substitute for sugar. May cause anal leakage.

Demeatrice: A second-rate S&M practitioner. Group discounts available.

Deputy: Will have hangdog eyes and big ears.

Destiny: Kismet, fate. Also, a stripper.

Divine: Loveable but scary transvestite. Looked best in a housecoat.

Dixie: Perfect for a shemale, whether an exhibitionist or voyeur.

D'Nay (duh-NYE) - To assert adamantly that something did not happen. Also, a river in Egypt.

Dodge: Children's playground game that leaves mental and physical scars.

Dominiqua: A small banana republic in Central America. The chief exports are coconuts, sisal, and tarantulas.

Drucilla: A great drag name, particularly if one is heading across the desert in a broken-down tour bus.


E

Eden: The garden from which life sprang with the creation of Adam and Eve. Home also of the wily serpent that offered Eve a taste of the forbidden fruit and led to the first eviction. Nice work, Eve.

Edna: The great-ant that comes to visit and takes over your room. The trade-off for the lingering old-lady smell is a crisp two-dollar bill.

Effie: Network censor who bleeps out all profanity for tape delay.

Elizabeth / Lizzy: An ax-wielding murderess and preteen star.

Elvira: Large-breasted, Gothic late-late-night talk show host.

Emeline: A thick, oil-based emollient used to remove mascara in the late '50s before it was discovered to have addictive properties and cause liver deterioration.

Erasmus: A holiday for the eradication of stray pencil marks.

Ernestine: Kick-ass, gum-chewing truck stop waitress who can serve the entire dinner shift without cracking a smile or running her support hose.

Europa: A slow, bovine girl with pretty eyes. Also, a specialized Starbucks blend.

Evangeline: Bus service notable for comfy seats and in-ride sermons.