Belladonna, Blanche, Bonquisha, and Brunhilda

our lady peace, clumsy, jewish, b, girls, hanging, gardens, woman, cat, baby, fiddle faddle, calls, ringing, dinner, begging, derivatives, purchasing orphaned children, dance, moves, bunny, rodents, glass, lost, slippery slope, fortune, bubbles, tennis, brooke, off, offspring, sprays, little, hitting the windshield, hillbillies, brooks, blowout, circles, commitment, serving, servants, 3 am, wearing, fame, alligator, dips, dreams, squash, bimbo, monica, ravenblack, short, home, cities, small, birth, sex, standards, living, concern, europe, wax, clients, having fun, limits, options, explorers, day, cheap, coloring, variety, grandparents, butterfly, insects, body, wings, velvet, adult, entertainment, cinnamon, effective ends, skills, getting up to no good, dance, rooms, the past, young, dishes, sensuous, hats, corner, vices, instruction, luxuries, naming, night, rules, vanity plates, spelling, daughters, crocodile hunter, stupid names, exceptions, last names, briana, weddings, men, brides, brianna, sprays, breath, rock, royalty, bianca, fresh, betting, c, kim, barbie, ken, ben, sisters, 1999, christians, partners, life, jade, bored, smoking, cigarettes, french, easy, theatres, famous, substitutions, unacceptable stuff, residents, purposes, skin, animals, breezes, relaxation, brandy, alcohol, class, all, screws, cheese, snobbery, softness, torture, junior high, blanchard and maynell, removal, destiny, kitchen, commercial appliances, fruit, tropics, status, janice, the mixing of the milks, diarrhea, yellow, drinks, new, england, blender, whip, brittany, blessings, football, nights, crying, vomiting, blonde, hair, baseball, teams, birds, blood, deer, mothers, public, beach, dogs, female, bitch, crab, hate, ears, changes, donna, beautiful, belle and sebastian, italian, poison, big, taunts, marcy playground, choice, enjoyment, hot, mass murderers, standing, beer, abilities, penchant, beef, hunter, wilderness, heartless, places, guns, bam, delicious, alterego, bad luck, umbrellas, opening, inside, houses, broadway, dancers, light, kegs, lust, david, bathing, kings, cinderella, twins, sisters, cyborg name, what, no, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, jokes, barb, australia, water, breakfast, food, plans, sleep, music, bible, sports,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

B

Baby: A young Jewish girl post-bat mitzvah, well on her way to becoming a woman in the Catskills. She will be loved by many, but only give her heart to seemingly no-goodnik dance instructors with misunderstood pasts. Child may also tend to sleep in the middle of a room, because no one puts Baby in a corner.

Babylon: The capital of ancient Babylonia, known for its great luxury and sensuality as well as vice and corruption. A female child with this name should be prepared for many jokes about her "Hanging Gardens."

Baltimore: Home of such lackluster, bird-monikered sports teams such as the Orioles and Ravens.

Bambi: The poor deer whose mother was gunned down in cold blood by the heartless hunter and left as an orphan to fend for himself in the wilderness. Also, effective alter ego of many an off-off-Broadway "dancer."

Barbell: An endomorph with an impressive ability to quickly down a case of Natty Light. Also enjoys doing keg stands.

Bathsheba: Will have a penchant for bathing in public places and arousing the lustful glances of much older men.

Beach: A less-than-pleasant woman; also, a female dog. The jokes about crabs may, alone, be enough to make your child hate you forever.

Beefea: It's what's for dinner. With fiddle music ringing in her ears and constant calls of "Where's the Beefea?" ... your child will surely beg you to change her name by the time she reaches the second grade.

Belladonna: Italian for "beautiful woman" ... also, the highly poisonous derivative of the nightshade family.

Bertha: Usually used to refer to something enormously large and ponderous. Big Bertha will undoubtedly become the other children's playground taunt of choice.

Bet'C: The preferred vanity plate spelling for an otherwise traditional name.

Bianca: Feminine form of spray-on breath freshener popular in the early '80s.

Bijou: A famous theatre. A scion of rock royalty.

Bimberly: Shortened name for "Kimberly, the famous bimbo." Slated to be launched as Barbie's sister in 1999. Lo, a scandal involving Ben and his life partner Ken quashed the dream.

Bindy: Both dog and daughter of the famed alligator hunter.

Birch: A socially-accepted substitute for "bitch" used by born-again Christians.

Blanche: To dip in hot water for the purpose of removing the skin. A child with this name will most likely graduate from torturing animals to the status of mass murderer before she is done with junior high school.

Blasé: A jaded, bored girl destined to smoke French cigarettes and wear berets.

Blenda: A kitchen appliance used by the residents of New England to whip up fruity, tropical drinks. "Ay, Janice, mix up a couple more a dem piña coladas in dah Blenda!"

Blessing: She won't seem like much of a blessing at 3 AM when you're dealing with hysterical crying, projectile vomiting, and yellow blowout diarrhea. And the child might not sleep through the night, either.

Blonda: Having lighter hair than the other girls. "Is she the dishwater blonde?" "No, she's the Blonda of the two."

Bonquisha: A delicious breakfast food and the sister of Laquisha.

Breezy: Beautiful and relaxed, she's also going to be easy.

Brella: Short for "umbrella," it will be bad luck to open her inside the house.

Brendy: Screwtop brandy - all of the alcohol, none of the class!

Briana (BREE-ah-nuh) - A soft French cheese adored by snobs.

Bridie: Wedding plans are locked and loaded. Now she just needs to find a man.

Brinderella: The little-known twin sister of Cinderella who wasn't fortunate enough to have lost her glass slipper, and was forced to continue a life of servitude.

Brittany: Commitment-phobic hillbilly with good dance moves. A small, timid dog of the spaniel variety.

Brooke: A small, bubbling girl who used to frequent tennis circles.

Brunette: In this day of cheap and effective hair coloring, why would you limit your child's ability to explore other options? After all, blondes do have more fun.

Brunhilda: A large European esthetician who needs a wax more than any of her clients.

Bunny: A small rodent known for its propensity to copulate frequently and give birth to a slew of offspring with little concern for their standard of living. Do you really want to be a grandparent while your child is still a preteen?

Butterfly: An insect with a slender body and four broad (usually colorful) wings. Most commonly used as a nom de guerre for adult entertainers. See also Velvet and Cinnamon.

Xing, Yaqui, Yule, and Zachary

our lady peace, big dumb rocket, pronunciation, trees, naming, night, rules, stupid names, exceptions, last names, cyborg name, what, no, zach, zachary, guess you'll have to wait more, england, new, yoda, dance, zion, future, logs, families, zing, wine, purple, grapes, cousins, jewish, genres, blending, market, master, failure, baldness, caffeine nebula, clubs, cravings, cream, cakes, snacks, fillings, frost, avoidance, greek, burning, ancient, long, chemicals, hair, yucky, instruments, wacky, jedi, yogaclass4cats, tide, overweight, slang, popular, sticky things, icky, bears, smart, peanut butter and jelly, zakk wylde, dishes, nose, air, jacob, planets, leah patrick, sons, practice, eating, decoration, dead, puberty, silly, western, wind, ripping, hot, musicians, streets, anxiety, led zeppelin, ego, definitions, god, gifts, self-esteem, israel, tribes, planets, pulp fiction, quentin tarantino, motorcycles, pawn shops, sodomy and lust, dirty, cops, zeke town, greek gods, heaven, rulers, dogs, david bowie, bob marley, pot, smoking, ziggy stardust, zippers, pinhead, olympics, reggae, searching, lj seek, depression, zephyrcrow, zebedee, farts, nicknames, drinking, bars, frat boys, cartoons, issues, jagermeister, x, y, z, boys, woman, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, chinese, drugs, john, japan, holidays, christmas, bibles, george, music, comics, characters,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

X

Xing (zhing) - A neutral name. From a popular Chinese surname meaning "born of women." A punchline. The child will most likely crave cream-filled, frosted snack cakes.

Xion (ZIE-on) - Underground dance club and headquarters for humanity in the future.


Y

Yanni: Greek form of John. One who plays woodwind instruments and sports long, chemically curled hair.

Yaqui (YAH-kee) - Not good. Nicknames will include "yucky," "icky," and "sticky." Most likely a nose picker. Also, a fine Japanese dish.

Yeager (YAY-ger) - Slang for "time to get drunk." Popular in bars and fraternities.

Yoder: The New England pronunciation for Yoda, the ancient and revered Jedi master.

Yogi: A person of the Yoga persuasion. Also, overweight from eating too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Smarter than the average bear.

Yule: A gaudily-decorated chunk of dead tree burned during the Christmas holiday. Families with the surnames Log or Tide should avoid this name entirely.


Z

Zachary / Zack: All variations of "wacky" will be used to describe this child. Toward puberty, it will take on a meaning other than "silly."

Zann: Street slang for a prescription anti-anxiety drug. This child will be afraid of nearly everything.

Zebediah: Child will be plagued by a big ego over the literal definition of his name ("God's gift"), but confounded by a low self-esteem over the fact that nobody else knows what it means.

Zebulon: In the Bible, a son of Jacob and Leah. He was the forebear of one of the tribes of Israel. A planet within the fourth Centauri nebula.

Zed: The sodomy-enthralled pawn shop owner from the Quentin Tarantino film Pulp Fiction. The child will most likely have a proclivity for choppers (as opposed to motorcycles), and is likely to associate with dirty cops.

Zeeman: Uh-huh. You said "Zeeman."

Zeke: Early English form of "search." "Zeke, and you shall find."

Zelig: Depression-era man made famous for his chameleon abilities to become like those he is with. Exception to the rule: If Orwell's prophecy comes true, name away.

Zephyr: The west wind. A fart, as in "Did you rip that Zephyr?"

Zeppelin: From the famous musicians of Led Zeppelin. A large, rigid blimp filled with hot air.

Zeus: Greek god of the heavens. Ruler and most powerful of the Olympians. A name better used for large guard dogs.

Ziggy: A bald, bulbous-headed cartoon character with self-esteem issues. A pot-smoking member of the reggae genre of music.

Zindel: A failed blend of purple grape overshadowed and beaten to market by its less Jewish cousin.

Zippie: Prone to rapid-fire flatulence. Often called a pinhead.