Chastity, Chinchilla Zest, Cleopatra, and Crisco

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

C

Cachay: Popular '70s eau de toilette packaged in a convenient purse pot.

Capucino: An exceptionally smart breed of monkey most often seen chained to the side of concertina begging for spare change.

Caroline: A door-to-door singer often seen during the holiday season.

Cashmere: A prize ho; very soft, but difficult to keep clean.

Cassidy: A single-parent family of '70s pop idols with great hair, artificially enhanced voices, and a cool bus. Also half of a great Western.

Chalmers: Superintendent of the Springfield School District. Will tend to be verbally abusive to her underlings.

Chanel: Along with Courvosier, Gucci, and Lexus... a popular name among (and only among!) the ghetto fabulous.

Chardonnay: Her bouquet hints of green pastures, with top notes of butter, chrysanthemums, and honey, with a palate of oak on the finish. Generally best served cold.

Charissa: A spicy Spanish sausage with meat of unknown origin.

Chastity: Virtuous character. Celibacy. A poor girl with this name will be destined to become the town tramp.

Cherel: A type of rare mushroom used in fine patés.

Cherish: It's like a sofa, but it's not. It's like a loveseat, but it's not. It's more valued, more chair-ish!

Cherry: Peewee's favorite place to sit. The fruit of a deflowering.

Cheyenne: A city in Wyoming, a nomadic Native American tribe, and a luxury sport utility vehicle.

Chinchilla Zest: The outermost layer of the chinchilla, extracted with a special culinary tool, the chinchilla zester. Beware the layer just below the dermis, which can be pithy. Also, a fine but tart salad dressing.

Chloe: A name commonly used by lesbian couples for a firstborn.

Christina: The one who can sing.

Cimemthymia: A vicious STD cured in the early '70s.

Cinnamon: The dried bark of a tropical Asian tree. A popular stage name for exotic dancers. See also Velvet and Butterfly.

Cisco: Will have a penchant for routers and singing about Brazilian-cut underpants.

Cleeo: Jamaican "psychic" whose infomercials bilked millions of desperate Americans out of large amounts of cash in a mass redistribution of wealth. Child may be an entrepreneur.

Cleopatra: Titular queen of Egypt and lover of Roman generals. Coined the phrase "what a pain in the asp!"

Cleora: A topical ointment used to eradicate acne.

Coco: Most common name for female chimpanzees, nuts, and fashion designers. Your daughter will have hairy prehensile toes, a rich flavor, and a flair for accessories.

Cola: A brown, sugar-filled liquid of such high acidity that it dissolves pennies. Also, a cocaine dealer.

Constance: Faithful and dependable; a child with this name will never need to rely on laxatives or fiber supplements.

Corvette: A type of warship, a type of American sports car, and a type of male genitalia extension.

Crescent: A cheap, canned knockoff of a famous French pastry.

Crisco: Simply put, she'll be fat in the can.

Crumpet: A spongy, English muffin-type pastry best served with tea and jam. A thrilling way to start your day!

Czarina: Wife of a czar or an imperial ruler in her own right. Will spend exorbitant sums of money on eggs.

Xing, Yaqui, Yule, and Zachary

our lady peace, big dumb rocket, pronunciation, trees, naming, night, rules, stupid names, exceptions, last names, cyborg name, what, no, zach, zachary, guess you'll have to wait more, england, new, yoda, dance, zion, future, logs, families, zing, wine, purple, grapes, cousins, jewish, genres, blending, market, master, failure, baldness, caffeine nebula, clubs, cravings, cream, cakes, snacks, fillings, frost, avoidance, greek, burning, ancient, long, chemicals, hair, yucky, instruments, wacky, jedi, yogaclass4cats, tide, overweight, slang, popular, sticky things, icky, bears, smart, peanut butter and jelly, zakk wylde, dishes, nose, air, jacob, planets, leah patrick, sons, practice, eating, decoration, dead, puberty, silly, western, wind, ripping, hot, musicians, streets, anxiety, led zeppelin, ego, definitions, god, gifts, self-esteem, israel, tribes, planets, pulp fiction, quentin tarantino, motorcycles, pawn shops, sodomy and lust, dirty, cops, zeke town, greek gods, heaven, rulers, dogs, david bowie, bob marley, pot, smoking, ziggy stardust, zippers, pinhead, olympics, reggae, searching, lj seek, depression, zephyrcrow, zebedee, farts, nicknames, drinking, bars, frat boys, cartoons, issues, jagermeister, x, y, z, boys, woman, joe, baby's named a bad bad thing, books, 2005, amusement, lists, babies, names, chinese, drugs, john, japan, holidays, christmas, bibles, george, music, comics, characters,


This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

X

Xing (zhing) - A neutral name. From a popular Chinese surname meaning "born of women." A punchline. The child will most likely crave cream-filled, frosted snack cakes.

Xion (ZIE-on) - Underground dance club and headquarters for humanity in the future.


Y

Yanni: Greek form of John. One who plays woodwind instruments and sports long, chemically curled hair.

Yaqui (YAH-kee) - Not good. Nicknames will include "yucky," "icky," and "sticky." Most likely a nose picker. Also, a fine Japanese dish.

Yeager (YAY-ger) - Slang for "time to get drunk." Popular in bars and fraternities.

Yoder: The New England pronunciation for Yoda, the ancient and revered Jedi master.

Yogi: A person of the Yoga persuasion. Also, overweight from eating too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Smarter than the average bear.

Yule: A gaudily-decorated chunk of dead tree burned during the Christmas holiday. Families with the surnames Log or Tide should avoid this name entirely.


Z

Zachary / Zack: All variations of "wacky" will be used to describe this child. Toward puberty, it will take on a meaning other than "silly."

Zann: Street slang for a prescription anti-anxiety drug. This child will be afraid of nearly everything.

Zebediah: Child will be plagued by a big ego over the literal definition of his name ("God's gift"), but confounded by a low self-esteem over the fact that nobody else knows what it means.

Zebulon: In the Bible, a son of Jacob and Leah. He was the forebear of one of the tribes of Israel. A planet within the fourth Centauri nebula.

Zed: The sodomy-enthralled pawn shop owner from the Quentin Tarantino film Pulp Fiction. The child will most likely have a proclivity for choppers (as opposed to motorcycles), and is likely to associate with dirty cops.

Zeeman: Uh-huh. You said "Zeeman."

Zeke: Early English form of "search." "Zeke, and you shall find."

Zelig: Depression-era man made famous for his chameleon abilities to become like those he is with. Exception to the rule: If Orwell's prophecy comes true, name away.

Zephyr: The west wind. A fart, as in "Did you rip that Zephyr?"

Zeppelin: From the famous musicians of Led Zeppelin. A large, rigid blimp filled with hot air.

Zeus: Greek god of the heavens. Ruler and most powerful of the Olympians. A name better used for large guard dogs.

Ziggy: A bald, bulbous-headed cartoon character with self-esteem issues. A pot-smoking member of the reggae genre of music.

Zindel: A failed blend of purple grape overshadowed and beaten to market by its less Jewish cousin.

Zippie: Prone to rapid-fire flatulence. Often called a pinhead.